There’s a Facebook meme going around where people list 25 things about myself. Far be it for me to pass up an opportunity for narcissism.
1. I hate talking on the telephone. Seriously. Every time it rings I curse under my breath. I have a hard time hearing over the phone, the sound quality is irritating and the low quality makes everyone’s voice sound just harsh and nasally enough to irritate me. Most of all you can’t read body language. If you need to get a message to me, send a text.
2. I’m probably going to be deaf before long. You know that cool space to stand near the stage at shows that I always enjoyed? Well, I finally figured out that it was open because the speakers were blasting enough decibels to keep anyone smart out of range. This probably explains at least part of #1.
3. pickabar.com was going to be my “zagat’s guide for partying college kids” type website, but the company fizzled before we got it off the ground. I’d already registered the domain, so I kept the name.
Q: What do you want to do tonight?
A: I don’t know, pick a bar.
4. I’m a collector. It started with GI Joes and Transformers, segued into comic books and science fiction magazines and then directly into records.
5. I own a great deal of music, but I’m usually into no more than ten songs. I listen to those songs on repeat, take every opportunity to get other people to listen to them and even recite parts of the lyrics as a part of my normal life. Eventually, I fall in love with a new song and the cycle starts all over again.
BTW, have you heard The Speedies “Something on My Mind”? Check that out.
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6. I’m completely terrified of any form of confrontation. If someone hurts my feelings I just wipe them from my memory like that “Eternal Sunshine…” movie. This tends to hurt me more than anyone else, because it turns out that sometimes some people’s mind reading machine go on the blink and they may not even know that they’ve done something to offended you. I’m still trying to get this one through my thick skull.
7. My birthday is 07/07/77. My first name is gerrard and the first letter in gerrard is G, the seventh letter. Gerrard has seven letters, as does Anthony, as does Lindsay.
8. My real memory only extends about five years, maybe three if I’m really honest with myself. Anything further back in the timeline is a hazy mix of partial recollection, stories I’ve heard from friends and my favorite telanovelas.
9. I usually quit any activity where I’m not a natural within the first few days of my involvement. It feels really good to be making music that I’m personally proud of when I know how much time and dedication it took before I was even able to just hold onto the guitar pick.
10. Until about four years ago, I lived with the assumption that anyone who was in good shape just had good genes. I’m not trying to suggest that I’m an idiot, I was aware that people went to the gym and worked out, but I didn’t REALLY know it. First, my friend Blossom uh…blossomed into an athlete. Then, my friend Adam said “I run because I like to look good” and that somehow made it through the firewall. I’m committed to making exercise a key part of the rest of my life.
11. Everyone I know has a sick record collection, DJs, plays in a band an has an encyclopedic knowledge of anything that vaguely has a beat. Can you people please take a break for a while and let me catch up?
12. I’m trying to live by a very simple philosophy, focus on the people who focus on you. I’ve wasted too much of my life thinking about people who weren’t big fans of mine instead of thinking about the people who actually like me. It’s probably tasteless to quote your own song, but why start worrying about good taste now?
Friendship is spending time,
it’s both a means and an end,
so if you’ve got no time,
then we’re no longer friends.
13. I’m obsessed with watching grown men play a children’s ball game so that a major corporation can sell their goods and services at inflated prices. I say “we” about the Mets even though I own no part of the company and I have never been a member of the team. My grandmother was a Mets fan and the rest of my family members are Mets fans. My favorite childhood picture was of my younger self wearing a new Mets cap and jacket. I live on Metropolitan Avenue!
14. I’m a vegetarian, but I’m not really an animal rights advocate as much as I am squeamish. I try not to even kill bugs. On the other hand, I wear leather and I can’t say hunting and fishing don’t look fun.
15. I’m really way too verbose. Even in person. Sometimes when I get really excited about things I start spitting out words like an automatic weapon and gesticulating wildly. I usually don’t fill out these “survey” things because I tend to write novels. Let’s be honest. No one’s still reading at this point are they? Anyone still reading is either a speed reader or they have an incredibly boring job.
16. I fired my first gun a few months ago in the country part of Virginia. Sarah’s cousin let me use his .22 Luger and it made me feel like a stone cold killing machine. I really want to get into guns this year.
17. I much prefer playing with little kids and their toys to hanging out with adults. Kids are just open minded and unafraid to be excited in a way that adults can only vaguely imitate with booze and drugs. I smile and nod when people say, “oh, he’s so good with kids!”, but really the kids are saving me from you scary old people.
18. I like to dance. All the time. I don’t care if I have to do it by myself. I don’t trust anyone who doesn’t dance.
19. I’m a computer programmer. All of this cool stuff we have to waste time with, communicate with and download porn with started from the hard work of someone like me. I haven’t actually done any programming in a few months and it’s the longest it’s been for me since I was 12 or 13.
20. I’m an atheist, but I’ve read the bible a bunch of times. I’ve also read the baghavad ghita, buddhist scriptures, parts of the edda’s and I’ll probably get to the Koran at some point.
21. I swing wildly between being painfully shy and being a shameless extrovert.
22. I lost a spelling bee in elementary school because a kid I’d already beaten in the semi-finals was given a second chance. I misspelled the word “acoustically” and that (two words ago) may be the first time I’ve ever spelled the word correctly. For some reason I always want to add an extra “C” in the middle. I’m still very angry about losing that spelling bee, even though the kid who won was an ok guy.
23. My grandmother is the greatest person I ever had the privilege of meeting and I consider myself very lucky to have had her as the person who raised me.
24. I have more than a thousand nicknames for Sarah Kearns Hoadley and I make up more throughout the day. Hoaderista?
25. I’m really not interested in working for other people my whole life. I want to have my own business, I’m just not sure what that should be.
That’s right, I just re-posted a Facebook survey on my blog. Cat photos coming soon.