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July 26, 2005
PMS
Her perfume entered the train way before she did. When she finally sat down, I noticed that her demeanor was just as overwhelming. Bejeweled and brightly colored, she was quite a spectacle. She wore thick, black Yoko Ono shades that covered her face. She sat down in the seat directly in front of me, pushed her sunglasses on top of her forehead, and crossed her legs in an exxagerated motion. She demanded attention, and she got it from nearly everyone on the train-except me of course. I refuse to let her have her way with me. She looked like the type of chick that always gets what she wants. Those chicks annoy me. Perfectly coiffed and manicured, she looked like she never had to get dirty. She was impeccable. I hated her immediately...
If she runs her hand through her hair one more time, I'll slap her. I swear, I'm gonna get up out of my seat, walk up to her and give her one hard slap right in the face.
She's doing it on purpose. So that I'll look at her. She's so damn vain. I get the point already lady; Your hair is real.
I'm trying hard to ignore her. I know that she wants me to look at her. For some reason, she needs my approval. I know her steez; She thinks she's slick, pretending to be engrossed in that thick ass book she's pulled out of her Louis Vitton bag (incidently, I hate those bags-they're so played out); when really what she's doing is surveying the crowd. She gives hard stares to the women who pose a threat to her countenance, but when they notice her looking a little to long and stare back, she jumps back to the book, skimming the pages with her fingers. She's been reading the same page for five minutes now.
I catch her staring at me a couple of times,via sideways glances but I pretend not to notice. She thinks she's discreetly checking me out but she's more than obvious. The weight of her stare is too heavy-I have no choice but to intercept her stare with a glare so sharp that forces her to recoil in fear. I think she might have smudged her make-up in the process. She quickly averts her gaze and returns to her book. She avoids looking my way for about two mintues, then she starts again.
"What the hell are you looking at bitch?" I want to scream. I feel like smushing her annoying face into that book she's pretending to read and pulling all of her hair out, so she'll never be able to flash it, or run her hands through it ever again. Well, I suppose she does have beautiful hair....
Ahhh...women, what a precious, if not awkward species we are! I never notice men sizing each other up; they dont' seem to be in competition with one another the way women are. Well, I know that men have their own issues (that's to be addressed on another day) but women are really catty towards one another. I try to act like I'm above it, but I suppose I'm just as bad, only I don't make it obvious when I'm sizin' someone up. Or at least, I don't think so, and I would not have even cared about that chick if it weren't for PMS.
I guess it's true what they say; you are what you hate...
Here endeth today's entry.
Posted by renee at 2:06 PM | Comments (3)
July 20, 2005
Stuck in Reverse
Wednesday July 20, 2005
Stuck in Reverse…
“When you try your best but you don’t succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can’t sleep
Stuck in reverse…
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can’t replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
Lights will guide you home and ignite your post…
and I will try and fix you…”
-Fix You
X and Y
Coldplay
It never ceases to amaze me how the tunes I travel with always manage to fit my mood. Coldplay never fails me. And today, as you can see, X and Y has inspired my diatribe…
X has always been insecure and has always doubted true love and happiness. She believes that she is not capable of having “normal” relationships. You see, X has never been too fond of herself and her past relationships and personal experiences reflected that.
Anyway, X meets Y and falls crazy in love. Key word crazy. She loves him so hard that it hurts, but in a good way. Y makes X feel beautiful and smart and worthy. Y loves X and never fails to show her. Y has changed X’s universe. Y has often said that X will never know how much he loves her. X feels the same way, and becomes hopelessly addicted to Y…
X has yearned for the sincerity and passion that Y provides. X has developed a routine with Y; she’s come to expect certain things from him, as he has of her. If that routine is disrupted, X panics. She worries that something might come in the way of this incredible thing she has found and she is afraid that she will lose it and end up getting hurt. She cannot bear to think of the pain that would follow. She has become dependent on Y. X realizes that this is a problem, that she’s kinda spoiled and a little selfish when it comes to expecting Y’s attention and time; X is still a work in progress. She has a tendency to hold on tight to things that she loves… Y is much more practical while X is emotional. She makes most of her decisions based on emotions, which is not always a good thing…
Y is patient with X. X is very aware of this and is grateful. However, X feels that she is apologizing for herself a little too often and she is not comfortable with that. Y promised to do something that he didn’t do. Y also knows that X is serious about that something that Y promised to do…she depends on it in order to function. So, X panicked, and said some things that perhaps she shouldn’t have. However, Y should know by now that X was expecting to hear from him and didn’t and she was very, very disappointed. X also resents the fact that she has to keep saying this, especially when Y knows how she feels about this….
X has been trying to reach Y regarding this situation-she can’t go about her daily duties when there’s she has that sinking feeling, and the more she tries to open up and explain herself, she feels like she’s sinking deeper and deeper into a hole that she is having a hard time digging herself out of. It doesn’t feel good, and it won’t go away unless X hears from Y. Maybe it’s a trivial matter, but when X and Y don’t see eye to eye it’s a problem. Y is unreachable at the moment, which is wreaking havoc on X, who already feels like shit, because a) She is wondering if perhaps she loves Y a little too hard causing her to second guess every single thing she does and says, and it’s making her crazy. But X is crazy about Y and that causes her to act up sometimes… and b) Y hasn’t even mentioned the situation. Does Y think X is nuts? Does he still love her? At this point she doesn’t know and it’s making her crazy.
Well friends, here ends today’s entry in the soundtrack series. It’s amazing what a song can inspire…
Epilogue…Minutes after this journal was completed, X heard from Y. X still feels like shit.
Posted by renee at 11:19 AM | Comments (0)
July 14, 2005
Muse to the Pharaoh
Thursday July 14, 2005
"Where you want to eat tonight babe? I know this dope spot called one another...
I wanna get lost in your mellow yellow..."
-Prince
The Rainbow Children
This has absolutely nothing to do with anything; I love that line-it just caught me off guard when I was listening to one of Prince's most underrated albums on my way to work this morning. All of a sudden, I'm feeling kinda hungry...
Happy DBF to everyone (day before Friday). 4 days down 1 to go….
I was going to start today by telling you about my commute, and how annoyed I was that everyone on the train was staring at a young man who came on the car and had Down Syndrome. They were all staring at him as he made his way through the empty car to find a space to stand. Someone who pissed me off the most was the woman next to me, who resembled the very freak show she thought she was watching. She looked like a circus tent, in her bright yellow and orange dress, her thighs as big as tree-trunks. I watched her watching him, mouth agape, following his every move. I began to stare at her so she could know what it felt like to be the object of unwanted and unnecessary attention. She didn’t get the point though; neither did any of the other idiots on the train who couldn’t stop staring; the man was physically disabled, but had more sense than anyone on the train. I saw him act with more courtesy and respect then the people who were staring at him. He moved to the side when people got on, he got out of the way when people had to exit the train…
It’s funny, when people are supposed to pay attention to shit, they never do. So that’s my early morning rant for the day…
9:40
I get reprimanded by my supervisor for yapping on the phone (the nerve!) I arrive at work way earlier than I’m supposed to, an hour earlier, so that I can get work out of way so that I can deal with the really important stuff-like catch up with my family, surf the net, go out for a coffee or something...she had the audacity to interrupt me during a very important mother-daughter conversation. I was just telling my mom what color she should paint the bathroom when here comes my supervisor huffing and puffing about me being on the phone after work hours begin.
“I finished my work before work hours,” I told her. Why don’t you give me something else to do? It’s not fair that I should sit at my desk twiddling my thumbs all day, and then get penalized for it.”
I caught her off guard; the look on her face was priceless. She was speechless. She didn’t know whether to condemn me, or to praise me.
I can’t help it if I’m efficient and organized and they don’t know how to utilize my talents, and for the salary I’m being paid, they’re lucky I do any damn work at all!
She was speechless; then a slow smile crept to her face.
“I have a whole stack of security refund requests on my desk. You can start with those.”
“Sure! ” I said enthusiastically, happy to take them over. At least now people will get their money on time and perhaps I’ll get fewer nasty phone calls, interrupting my important phone calls to my boyfriend, sister and stuff.
So she hands me the stack of papers and I get through it, then she adds all these other responsibilities on to it. That was definitely not part of the plan, but like my grandmother always says, when your hand is in the lion’s mouth, take it out slowly…and that’s what I was doing.
“Oh this is great,” my supervisor exclaims. “Let’s get started.” She starts to go on and on about how she had a stack on her desk for so long but she hadn’t been able to do it because blah blah blah…
I’ve just relieved her of 50 percent of her workload, but my mom says you gotta kiss the ass before you kick it, and that’s what I’m doing. Not ashamed of it either. I’m still on probation. I can’t afford to get fired.
“I’m sorry-I should have known better. I don’t want you to think I don’t take this job seriously, because I do. I’m so grateful for the opportunity, and I’m learning sooooo much...here, (and the Oscar for best actress goes to me!) I would never want to jeopardize my position” I bat my eyelashes at her for dramatic effect.
“I know you are honey,” she says smiling apologetically. I didn’t mean to imply you didn’t take the job seriously, and I know you get your work done, it’s just that I want you to get the most out of this job kiddo, you’re going places. And besides, when it comes time for a raise, I want to make sure you get what you’re worth.
“I understand,” I say solemnly. “It won’t happen again.”
“I know,” she says, patting me on the shoulder. “Let’s go, I’ll show you what you have to do.”
6:04 p.m.
I’m finally on my way home, and my ass is hurting. I’ve been sitting in this bloody chair staring at the computer since 10:00 am-this is the only moment I’ve had all day to catch my breath and catch up with y’all. Well, I suppose it’s good for me. I least I learned something today. I cant’ say for certain what it is, but I know it’s made me a better person, somehow, someway. Well, it’s past quitting time, and I aint’ got no more fight left in me kiddies-so I bid you adieu, till we meet again…
Stay tuned!
Posted by renee at 6:17 PM | Comments (0)
July 13, 2005
Mundane Monday
Just another manic Monday….whoa ohhh”, wish it was Sunday, that’s my fun day, My I don’t have to run day…just another Manic Monday…”
Manic Monday
-The Bangles
Sorry, I don't know which album this song is on. It's always running through my head on Monday mornings, soI thought it would be a good way to introduce the latest episode in the subway series.
I’m a little late today, as is usually the case on Mondays. Due to the effects of weekend withdrawal, I stayed a little longer in bed than I should have. I immediately reflect on the last two days and wish that I didn’t ever have to work again. I’d rather be canoodlin’ and spoonin’ with my honey, drinkin’ martinis (neat-stirred and not shaken) on some white sanded beach instead of staring at a computer screen and workin’ my ass off to make somebody else rich. I linger for a while, thinkin’ about callin in sick, but I remember where I was a few months ago, unemployed, broke and miserable, so I drag my lazy ass out of bed and hit the shower. Ouch! Reality leaves teeth marks when she bites!
8:15
Commuters move about like drones; their eyes look gaunt and empty. We are all suffering from the same disease and they all look how I feel, well, I suppose I look how I feel too-Monday’s will do that to you. I press play on my cd player, close my eyes and allow Raaphael Saadiq take me as far away from these Monday blues as possible.
“Your life, and my life is not so predictable, you and me, gotta know which way we wanna go…my life has been an up and down struggle, but now I know, which way I gotta go…
“Next stop Borough Hall”, announces the conductor. He sounds as though he’s suffering from Mondayitis as well. As I prepare to exit the crowded train, I almost trip and bust my ass cuz Ms. “I’m-too-cute-to-move-out-of-the-way,” is blocking the exit. She doesn’t want to lose her spot in front of the door, where she’s been ogling herself since we left Flatbush. I “accidently” plant a strategically placed heel right on top of her meticulously manicured toes, watch her recoil in pain, smile apologetically at her twisted face (not so cute now) excuse myself, and exit the train.
8:45
I arrive at my place of unemployment-unfortunately my supervisor is back from vacation, which means that mine is over! Damn…
12:30
Time for lunch: It’s come to my attention; or rather it’s come to everyone else’s attention that I’ve been putting on a few pounds. What can I say? I’m in love and it shows…and shows…and shows…
So…I decide that instead of feeling sorry for myself I will be proactive and try to get a membership at Lucille Roberts. A couple of co-workers have memberships and they pay no more than 23 bucks a month. I can dig it! So I call up the one on Fulton Street and take a trek downtown. When I get there, the chick at the front desk sizes me up. I know she’s doing it, cuz I usually do it-only I’m less obvious. I approach the counter, and she ignores me for a minute to answer her cell phone. Obviously the person hung up because she spent the next few minutes fiddling with her phone trying to find out who called her. I look around at the equipment and the women working out. It’s not a meat-market, or fashion show in here, which I appreciate. The women are here to get their work-out on. I like that. The girl is tapping her fingers on the desk impatiently. “Can I help you?”she asks between loud smacks of gum.
“Oh...I’m interested in joining…
She slaps a clipboard on the desk.
“Fill this out, and bring it back to me when you’re done,” she says and shoos me to a bench in the corner. I feel like I’m at the doctor’s office. I did as I was told, and brought the form back to her and sure enough the chick was nowhere to be found. I look around the gym and I notice her giggling with some of the clients in the corner. She sees me waiting and swaggers back to the counter.
I’m annoyed now, and it shows.
“You want pricing, or info?” She asks.
“Pricing”, I tell her. “I’d like to join today.”
“Hi, how you doin’ I’m Nyeisha”, she says, friendly all of a sudden. She pulls out a laminated flyer listing the offers they have going on right now.
She begins to speak really fast, like those car commercial announcers.” I didn’t’ understand one word she said, and what’s worse was that the prices she listed weren’t what I was expecting. I mentioned that I had friends that were members and weren’t paying what she quoted me. She flicked her atrocious weave again and rolled her eyes.
“Offers we had in the past don’t apply to new members m’am.”
I told her I didn’t think I’d be able join today.
“Why not?” She snapped. The faux pleasant look on her face was transforming itself to reveal it’s true nastiness.
“Cuz you’re a rude little bitch with a bad weave and no customer service skills,” (And she wasn’t that “fit” either.) I snapped, turned around and walked right out of that gym and back into the heat and bustle of Fulton Street, feeling a little defeated. I really wanted to start getting back in shape right away. I press play on my cd player once again, tuck my tail between my legs and head back to work.
“Never felt this way before, this feeling that you give to me I can’t ignore. (You’re my joy)
You truly do enlighten me, you’re all I’ll ever want, indeed you got the best of me Oh baby come with me…
You’re all I’ll ever want and need you got the best of me so baby come with me…
You got me wide open, and I’m digging you so baby keep it comin’”
O.k., this is my favorite song on the cd-it really does transport me to a pleasant place. It’s so airy and light. I feel free and beautiful as I walk down the street, oblivious to what people might think of me. There’s something about this song, and the way it’s sung. The drums, the keyboards, the lyrics, my heartbeat; it uplifts me immediately, making me feel like I’m the only woman in the world, and I feel love. I’m in love, I feel love, I want to give it…. I may have put on a couple of pounds, but my baby makes me feel weightless. I have no burdens and I’m free… I know, I know… it sounds cliché; maybe a little corny, but it’s true, it’s the way I feel...
I keep the song on repeat-it’s a long song, which means I’ve been listening to it all the way to subway (the sandwhich place)-where I pick up a 6 inch turkey breast sandwich, as opposed to the foot-long philly-cheese hero that I crave…
2:00
Back at my desk, finish the turkey breast surf the net and goof around for a while, until it’s time to go. I suppose this Monday didn’t turn out so bad after all, but then again, the day isn’t over yet…but, I’ll definitely keep you posted…
Posted by renee at 4:09 PM | Comments (0)
July 5, 2005
Subway Diaries-Entry #1
Subway Soundtrack
Album: Be
Artist: Common
Tuesday July 5, 2005
7:33:
Jump in the dollar cab-I'm miserable as ever. I'm missin' my baby and I'm wishin'that instead of crammin' myself into this boat with a bunch of strangers, I could be layin' up somewhere with him. But, this is the real world and I got bills to pay, so...I do what I gotta do; hold my breath and enjoy the ride...
I say good morning to the cabbie and he doesn't respond, which hurts my feelings. (Why the hell did I say anything?) I sit in the front seat; thankful that I'm the only one in the car so far. I savor the few moments of luxury I can enjoy before I'm squished between the cabbie with the questionable odor and some fat chick with sweaty skin pressed up against mine. And what do you know...Slam! My body goes flying into the dashboard as he pulls over to pick up Ms. Fatty in lime green. "G'mornin!" she bellows, plouging her big behind into mine.
7:45 am:
I descend into the abyss of the New York City subway-Flatbush Avenue. The number 5 express. I press play on my cd discman as soon as I'm underground and move along the platform to a spot where it's less crowded. No such thing...the masses begin to swarm like bees, trying to be the first in line to get a seat. I turn up the volume...on my Common Cd; it helps tune out the noise and chaos, and helps me avoid all the nosy women ice-grilling me, sizing me up (but trying to pretend that there not).
"dum da dum da dum da dum...dum da dum da dum da dum..." The train is creeping up to the stop and the competition for the good seats is stiff. The lady beside me has her sneakers on and she's warming up-I brace myself, and pray that the car stops right smack in front of me. It does! I get my seat right beside the door and shortly after I sit down some nasty old pervert in an ugly green suit sits directly in front of me. His shifty eyes linger a little too long where they don't belong. I look up at his hungry eyes and cavernous grin, and pull my sweater tightly around my chest, to cover myself. (Aint no free show here!) Trying to avoid his glare, I meet the unkind eyes of a well coiffed woman in her late 20's who looks me up and down with scorn, as though I've eaten her first born. I give her the dirtiest look I can muster and pray that my face doesn't stay that way.
I turn the volume up and flip through the AM.news to see what's new in the world. Figures! Same shit different day...ugggh! It's so frustrating to see all that bad news in the world...and why is the article about the AIDS crisis in developing Asian countries all the way on the back page, while "Whose Hair is it anyway?" is considered buzz worthy?
The Common cd plays on-and the first song, "Be" is quite inspiring...but something is interfering with my listening pleasure. It sounds like somebody howling...I look to the left, and the right of me, and don't see anything. But the noise is getting louder. That's when I see her. It's an old woman, who looks like Aunt Esther from Sanford and Son, in a bright blue church dress, gripping onto the subway pole, bouncing up and down and testifying! Why the hell do all the preachers seem to find the car I'm in, and end up preaching right in front of me? Man, she's loud...she sounds like a wounded coyote. The trains is quite crowded now too-I feel sorry for the man who's standing next to her. He can't go anywhere either because he's wearing leg braces. ( I should have offered him my seat-I know...) perhaps my soul does need saving. Anyway...the woman has ruined the commute for all of us-and I can't bear it anymore. I turn my cd up loud; thank God for Common this morning. "Be" says what I'm thinking, but it's just too damn early in the morning to articulate...
"I wanna be as free as the spirits of those who left; I'm talkin, Malcom, Coltrane, my man Yusef..through death through conception, new breath and ressurection...
Bush pushin' lies...
We got arms, but won't reach for the skies...waitin' for the Lord to rise, I look into my daughter's eyes and realize that I'm gon learn through her...the Messiah might even return through her, if I'm a do it, I gotta change the world through her...
Walk like warriors, we were never told to run...
never lookin' back, or too far in front of me, the present is a gift, and I just wanna BE." ( I realize that I couldn't quote the entire song here, but I've written what is most relevant to me)
Common is the posterchild for reinvention and resurrection-of "being". From his politics to his music, his fashion...his personality, and lyrical style...he has definetely returned to where his soul begun, and that is why this album is important to me, and why I've chosen to include it in my subway soundtrack series. I can relate.
Like Common, I feel like I have come full circle, been through many changes, and I have been reborn. I wear all my experiences like a security blanket-it comforts me, keeps me warm and protects me. I don't regret anything I've gone through, I won't look back, and welcome the future with open arms, I'm not afraid of it.
I've added "Be" to the subway soundtrack series because I feel that this song speaks to those of us who find it difficult to live in this age of political instability, and increasing violence. The world has changed drastically and it's easy to get frustrated and internalize the chaos that is life these days. My politics change from day to day and I feel like I'm going to have a breakdown everytime I read the news. Sometimes, I don't know where to focus my anger and resentment, and it seems that the people, and the situations that I lash out at are not the ones who deserve my rage, like the poor old lady in the blue dress I nearly pushed out of the train this morning. She was venting in her own way. I can relate.
Discrimination, wars, suffering and the politics that control our lives will never go away; all we can do is "Be" and as track number four (my next favorite song-background vocals by John Mayer, guitarist and lyricist extraordinaire)says, and on the count of three...Go! Go! Go! and everybody run back to your fantasy:-)It's what keeps us alive!
And finally, if you haven't copped the album-Do so, immediately!
Thanks for listening.
Posted by renee at 9:19 AM | Comments (1)