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July 20, 2005
Stuck in Reverse
Wednesday July 20, 2005
Stuck in Reverse…
“When you try your best but you don’t succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can’t sleep
Stuck in reverse…
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can’t replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
Lights will guide you home and ignite your post…
and I will try and fix you…”
-Fix You
X and Y
Coldplay
It never ceases to amaze me how the tunes I travel with always manage to fit my mood. Coldplay never fails me. And today, as you can see, X and Y has inspired my diatribe…
X has always been insecure and has always doubted true love and happiness. She believes that she is not capable of having “normal” relationships. You see, X has never been too fond of herself and her past relationships and personal experiences reflected that.
Anyway, X meets Y and falls crazy in love. Key word crazy. She loves him so hard that it hurts, but in a good way. Y makes X feel beautiful and smart and worthy. Y loves X and never fails to show her. Y has changed X’s universe. Y has often said that X will never know how much he loves her. X feels the same way, and becomes hopelessly addicted to Y…
X has yearned for the sincerity and passion that Y provides. X has developed a routine with Y; she’s come to expect certain things from him, as he has of her. If that routine is disrupted, X panics. She worries that something might come in the way of this incredible thing she has found and she is afraid that she will lose it and end up getting hurt. She cannot bear to think of the pain that would follow. She has become dependent on Y. X realizes that this is a problem, that she’s kinda spoiled and a little selfish when it comes to expecting Y’s attention and time; X is still a work in progress. She has a tendency to hold on tight to things that she loves… Y is much more practical while X is emotional. She makes most of her decisions based on emotions, which is not always a good thing…
Y is patient with X. X is very aware of this and is grateful. However, X feels that she is apologizing for herself a little too often and she is not comfortable with that. Y promised to do something that he didn’t do. Y also knows that X is serious about that something that Y promised to do…she depends on it in order to function. So, X panicked, and said some things that perhaps she shouldn’t have. However, Y should know by now that X was expecting to hear from him and didn’t and she was very, very disappointed. X also resents the fact that she has to keep saying this, especially when Y knows how she feels about this….
X has been trying to reach Y regarding this situation-she can’t go about her daily duties when there’s she has that sinking feeling, and the more she tries to open up and explain herself, she feels like she’s sinking deeper and deeper into a hole that she is having a hard time digging herself out of. It doesn’t feel good, and it won’t go away unless X hears from Y. Maybe it’s a trivial matter, but when X and Y don’t see eye to eye it’s a problem. Y is unreachable at the moment, which is wreaking havoc on X, who already feels like shit, because a) She is wondering if perhaps she loves Y a little too hard causing her to second guess every single thing she does and says, and it’s making her crazy. But X is crazy about Y and that causes her to act up sometimes… and b) Y hasn’t even mentioned the situation. Does Y think X is nuts? Does he still love her? At this point she doesn’t know and it’s making her crazy.
Well friends, here ends today’s entry in the soundtrack series. It’s amazing what a song can inspire…
Epilogue…Minutes after this journal was completed, X heard from Y. X still feels like shit.
Posted by renee at July 20, 2005 11:19 AM