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September 11, 2007
And So It Begins
As every aspiring writer must do at some point during their career-I finally attended a writers workshop, facilitated by a real life editor. It was fucking brutal. Honestly, it was the most painful thing I've ever gone through. Tonight's workshop was the reason I don't like to read my work (or have other's read my work) in public.
I suppose I know why I've never been published. Apparantly, I'm a racist. Oh wait, before I begin, let me tell you how I ended up in the workshop in the first place.
It is a well known fact that I want to be published. Obviously, there's a reason I'm not being published so I decided to take the bull by the horns, bite the bullet-and do the thing I feared the most-attend some kind of workshop (preferably free) that would tell me what I was doing wrong. I've sent stuff out, most of which I consider to be pretty profound and provocative. Controversy sells and I thought I was pretty good at selling controversy...Hmm...not so much.
Anyway-I was asked to submit a piece of writing for a workshop being held by mediabistro-for those of you who don't know, mediabistro is a "bistro" a smorgasboard of jouranalists and media professionals offering courses, seminars, parties and networking and learning opportunities for those who want to embark upon a career in writing. Well, of course I do and you know I want to be a successful writer. So, I notice this one day workshop on personal essay writing being offered in New York City, for 125 bucks-and I'm thinking-SWEET! It's one day for like three hours-I can dig that.
Now, in order to get into the class-which only admits 10 people, you have to submit a writing sample and say a few words about why you want to be in the course. I figured that my peice, entitled "Testimonial of an Ascended Black Woman,"which is also on this blog- must have been half-way decent because I was accepted into the class. So, I got a nice little ego boost, which is good because so far, the only people to be truly impressed by my writing are my friends and family-not that their opinions don't matter but I need some brutal honesty.
And that is exactly what I got. It was a little embarrassing because every other members of the group received encouragement, praise and "nice" constructive criticis. When it came time to read my peice-the instructor basically called me a racist and nary a person wanted to touch my topic. My intial reaction was to become defensive. I wasn't comfortable with this white woman telling me-a Black woman-that I was racist against Black people. I didn't know how my peice could be construed as racism when I'm a black person writing about other black people.
I understand that I need constructive criticism but I felt like she was attacking my personal opinion. After all, this was a personal essay writing course.
After I picked my pride off the floor and dusted it off- I realized what she was trying to tell me. I need to write with less emotion and rage but talk more about my personal experience-i.e. the conflict I feel about being a Black woman forced to deal with the not so nice representations of "Blackness" I see around me and have to deal with. For example, when I'm in criminal court dealing with young Black defendants who are so far removed from where I come from and what I stand for, it enrages me. I need to focus on why I become enraged-instead of attacking the source of my rage.
As I continue to examine my feelings about being "Black" (and this is all coming to me as I write through my emotions) I realized that maybe I need to look into my own biases. Maybe I am a little bit racist. Why is that? Why do I feel so responsible for the bad apples in the Black bunch? When, as I've said before whites don't feel responsible for theirs? Is it simply a matter of racism? Or is there some self loathing going on here?
I just spoke to a good friend of mine-who happens to be Italian. She is also an Assistant District Attorney. We were having a conversation about racism and I started ragging on Black people-which as of last night, and re-reading my peice, I notice I tend to do a lot. I mentioned in the piece that other races do not address one another by derogatory terms in public-and she told me that it wasn't true-Italians do refer to themselves by offensive terms as well-and then when I was going to talk about my experience in criminal court and the fact that most of the defendants are young Black men-she quietly reminded me that if we go to a different court part-let's say Rackets for example-a majority of the defendants there are white.
Touche. I obviously have some issues to work through-which I'm going to do now.
All in all the workshop was helpful-even though the instructor didn't give me the props I expected to hear-but it did give me the kick in the ass that I needed, besides-I know I'm a good writer. I just need to keep writing. Now-if only I could find the strength to read the comments made by the class...
I'll keep you posted. One day I'll be published. You'll see!
Posted by renee at September 11, 2007 12:24 AM
Comments
Criticism is a lot like working out for me. I don't look forward to it and I usually hate it when it starts. On the other hand, the end result is personal growth, which makes it all worth it.
I can't wait to read your first byline!
Posted by: gerrard at November 8, 2007 10:16 AM