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June 21, 2008
The Ride Home From Chelsea-I apologize in advance...
After a rather disappointing evening, and 50 dollar cab ride- I've come to learn a few important things that must be taken care of immediately.
I have GOT to quit my job.
I have GOT to get a life.
I have GOT to make some real friends.
I was about to do what I always do and I'm sick of: write some long mellowdramatic peice about how I've seen the error of my ways.
Fuck it-I'm going to make this short and sweet.
I was gonna tell a story. About how cruel my so-called friends are- I'm appalled and ashamed that people I consider friends could play me like they did. I'm proud of myself for not submerging myself into the slime and getting out with some dignity in tact. It made for an expensive cab ride. But it was well worth it.At first I was angry, but now I'm at peace. Believe me, things are going to change.
Background:
A bunch of friends (well they call themselves that) went out to dinner to celebrate the other friends birthday. One friend went out of her way to help split the cost of an expensive birthday celebration and was not even acknowledged by a simple thank you. Not that she was expecting a full blown out parade thrown or anything but when one of your guests keep fawning over one host, telling them how much they out did themselves and how amazing you they are without acknowledging that the host didn't do it by themself. Iv'e noticed that said host likes to bask in her own glory-to be honest, I"ve never experienced anyting like this with any of my other friends-Iand I feel it was done on purpose. I used to think I was paranoid, but that was what people who wanted to use me as a punching bag to make themselves look better told me. As a matter of fact, I had someone tell me tonight that I have major issues (she's not even my friend-and I know right now, those bitches who are supposed to be my friend are sitting around agreeing with her) whom I dont' even know. I felt centered out. I felt exposed. I felt naked and demeaned. I've been feeling like this a lot lately. And I know I'm not crazy. Another chick in the group she feels the same way-I tried to ignore it, and laugh it off but I have noticed her being disrespected all in the name of fun, but since she is in love with the idea of this powerful friendship and notoriety it brings, allows herself to be abused and made to feel guilty for feeling this way. I felt it tonight in the worst way and I realize I have got to fucking stand up for myself at some point or I am gonna go crazy. People have taken their liberties with me for the last time. I mean it this time. I've been saying it and going back on my word, but I know that's my problem. I know what I'm feeling. They know what they are projecting. My God it was like a fucking suck ass party-everyone kissing everyone's ass except for mine of course. NO one gives a fuck about me. Why do they bother with me? Why do they want me around? OH I know-they know if I come it's an extra wallet-and this hand always digs in for extra cash. It's like Eleanor Roosevelt said-God, I hope it was her-NO one can make you feel inferior unless you let them.
i've been allowing it. even those so-called friends are telling me they think their is something wrong with me-they claim to be my friend and want to help but once they diagnose me they turn back around to their bullshit talk about cellulite cream, pilates and all this shit I have no idea about-ignoring me. The question is why do they want me around?
This is the last time I ask that question. I'm really not supposed to care.
I don't know if they will ever see what I've written. Probably not-because they don't give enough of a shit about me to think that I could ever be doing something worthwhile, something other than kissing their asses and envying their so-called-lives
Yet still I want it to be known that this June 20, 2008-is the last time I'm told I'm too sensitive while I'm being insulted. This is the last time I become cut out of conversations that I'm in the room for.
This is the last time I come home and stare in the mirror-looking at this beautiful creature of God's design and ask what the fuck is wrong with me.
This is the last time I allow myself to be ostracized (sp?) made to feel like I felt when I was a 12 year old kid, new to the school, waiting on the tarmac for someone to come along and take my hand as a friend. A confidant, a partner, a savior. This is the last time I think about my past, and NIkki and Paula and Soni and my sister. The only true girlf friends I've ever had. They loved me, for me-not because they need an audience to show off itheir things to-or a fan club to admire them. We were all equals. But that's the past. That was a long time ago and I know I've got to leave it alone, and leave it behind. Yup, it's true-you never know what you have until it's gone.
I must have looked like an idiot-wannabe loser. Yeah. I guess I am a little sensitive, but that's o.k. I'll be that way-and if you don't like it-you can get the fuck behind me. Stay out of my way.
No time for fake ones...as my girl Li'l Kim would say...
I've learned that expensive packages wrapped in pretty paper with all the trimmings do not indicate the value of what's inside the package. It's how I treat what's in the package that gives it it's worth...
And last but not least-always listen to your man. He really does love you-and he really does know best.
Sorry about the short and sweet thing. Gotta go-the man's coming and I don't want to hear I told you so.
Posted by renee at June 21, 2008 12:10 AM